mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
