I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
