Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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