I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
