When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
