Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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