I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
