I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
