dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
