ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
