i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
ok first of all what the fuck
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
