OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
