I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
