Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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