I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
