WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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