saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
