I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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