Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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