He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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