just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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