Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
