Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
