i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
