What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
