You're my little dorito
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
