Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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