I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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