you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize