Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
nutella sex= disaster
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize