Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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