drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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