I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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