MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
