new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
