something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
