Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
