so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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