Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
