I met the friendliest cop last night
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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