I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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