I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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