I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
