I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
