When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
