I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
