I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
