I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
