When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
