I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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