I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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