At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
