woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize