i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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