im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
