Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We left an ass print on the piano.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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