Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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