the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
