I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
