he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
